The Dear John Times

Ternus Located in Austin; Wi-Fi List Still Missing

Front page of The Dear John Times for Friday, October 23, 2026, set as a broadsheet newspaper. Kicker: Investigation · Whereabouts Desk. Headline: “Ternus Located in Austin; Wi-Fi List Still Missing.” Deck: As Apple’s first foldable iPhone goes on sale in New York, its chief surfaces 1,500 miles away at a Texas mall during Grand Prix week; investigators say he proved easier to find than the word “the” in Notes. By Joe NoSearcha and Not Matt Daemon. The three-column story, datelined Austin, places John Ternus at the Apple Store at Domain Northside on iPhone Duo launch day and F1 weekend, while the reporter’s iPhone 14 Pro Max battles a frozen Wi-Fi list, a crashing corespotlightd that can’t find “the,” a self-muting speakerphone and battery health down from 95 to 86 percent. Pull quote: “Windows ME called. It wants its network stack back.” It ends with a Shiner Bock and “Soup sandwich.” Hook ’em.
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